Where’d the Confidence Go?

Awe, being in your twenties, when you still feel like you can be anything in this world, when you think your fat (but, you’re not) and when you can drink all night and not be hung over for days.  Maybe this isn’t what you recall from your twenties, but for me, it pretty much sums it up.  I had many things I wanted to do and truly believed I had a shot at doing them (fashion designer, novelist, magazine editor, pilot…).  My life revolved around my friends, eating burgers and pizza and drinking lots of alcohol.  It was all about fun and being self absorbed.  Maybe I am exaggerating a little, but I don’t think I am too far off.  It was a fun time, with lots of lessons learned (some took longer to learn than others), but I wouldn’t go back and do it again.  It was also a hard time of not knowing myself and caring too much what others thought of me.  One thing I do miss about the roaring 20’s, is the confidence I had.  I believed in myself.  I invested in myself. I took care of myself.  I got dolled up and went out on the weekends.  Now, I find myself hiking alone in the woods with no makeup- which I love.  But, I feel like there needs to be some balance.  There is still a part of me, that enjoys some self maintenance.  On the quest to be frugal, I have not allowed myself many of the things I used to do for self care. Although I want to continue to make smart choices financially, so I can do more of the things I want, there are some things that I miss that make me feel better about myself and I enjoy.

I didn’t realize how much I missed being a little superficial, until my boyfriend recently booked us a trip to Vegas in a few weeks.  My ripped jeans and flip flops may be fine in the Pacific Northwest, but in Vegas, I know I will want to be a little more “done up”.  And the truth is, I haven’t felt “sexy” for a long time.  It has almost been a strike, of not wanting to have to be any certain way, that is expected of women.  The hair, nails, spray tanning, eye lash extensions, shopping, waxing, dieting, exercising- it all can become not only expensive, but exhausting.  When I told my best friend that I was feeling “granola”, she said, “it is always good to have balance.”  I agree.

I like not wearing make-up and hiking in the woods.  But, I also like feeling my best.  When I am having a good hair day or wearing a new outfit at work, I feel more powerful.    Sadly, I feel treated differently by people, when I look better.  People tend to respond more positively when they find something attractive.  Maybe it is jus the feeling of confidence, that attracts positivity.  On that note, I am on a quest to get back my confidence.  I think I will find it on the thin line between spending time in nature and wearing a cute new pair of heels.  Either way, I am still discovering myself and it is the journey of life, to find what will make us the most happy and feel the most peace.  Trial and error.


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